Do you ever have those days where you feel like nobody cares? Even the people that are supposed to always care?
I’m having one of those. Oh, I know people care, but it just doesn’t feel like it today. Today I feel small, unimportant, and forsaken.
The stress is this: I just found out that the 37 hours I thought I had left in my college career is now more like 47 or 50 hours. I thought I was almost done, but unfortunately, when my advisor advised me last semester, he failed to mention that one of the English courses I chose for this semester is not sufficient to meet the requirements of 30 hours of courses in residence at the university. What he also failed to mention is that the 30 hours of courses in residence at the university had to be upper division courses (300 or 400 level), and that most of them had to be in my major. Oops. That means that the Brit. Lit. II course that I thought was required last semester really wasn’t. I could have taken any English course that was upper division and it would have counted. Furthermore, for English majors, Brit. Lit. I and Brit. Lit. II could be replaced by courses like, oh, I don’t know, Shakespeare, or British Victorian Period, or British Medieval Period. That means that I never had to waste my time on that crackpot English professor I dealt with last semester who wouldn’t have known a good poem from a good kick in the face. It also means that my plan to graduate in December 2008 has now been lengthened to graduating sometime in 2009, possibly a full year longer than I had planned. It also means that since 90% of the remaining courses I need are English courses, I have to miss work to take them. My boss will most likely not let me miss work to take them, so I’ll have to figure out how to magically divide myself in half (Didn’t Hermione have a device for just this type of situation?) so that I can be in two places at once.
The emotional issue is this: I’m overwhelmed. I have a 10 page paper due in my Shakespeare course on Tuesday, and to be honest, I am not nearly as far along as I should be. I have responsibilities to my job, my church, my family, and my school, and I just feel like everything is coming due at once. My job isn’t that crazy, but I work with one or two people that treat me like I am nothing. They talk down to me, they ignore me, they refuse to let me finish a sentence, and I have lost any respect I might have had for them.
The truth is this: Romans 8:28, “All things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose.”
Remembering this truth is the hard part.
Knowing that I have a responsibility to teach this truth, and therefore must continue to go through situations that force me to learn it until it sticks is the even harder part.
Understanding that when I’m on the other side of this stress, insignificance, and overwhelmed feeling I’ll look back and wonder what I ever worried about is the hardest part. It’s also the best part. It is also the part that is helping me to calm down even as I write these words.
I’ll survive. I know that. So, you don’t have to tell me that. You also don’t have to tell me that it isn’t as bad as it seems and that someone else always has it worse. I know that, too. You also don’t have to tell me that finishing is the important part, it doesn’t matter how long it takes because that has been done to death over the past two days. I will finish. I know that. Without a miracle, I will not finish as early as I would like, but I will finish. I don’t need to be patronized. I just need to vent. So, I did.
My dad brought up Romans 8:28 last night, and when he started talking I got angry, but by the time he had finished, I had calmed down. Scripture is like that. And he’s right, all things will work together for good. I will finish when I am supposed to. I will get the things done I need to get done. The doors will open that need to be opened. I can still see the light at the end of the tunnel. It just isn’t quite as bright as it was a few days ago.
I’ll be fine. But thanks for listening, anyway, if you did.