Disappointed in myself, yet Standing Firm

I should never be allowed to make a public commitment, because I am generally going to fail, and fail miserably.

I committed to writing for 20 minutes a day, writing a blog post a day, and reading 10 poems a day only a few days ago.

I did great the first day. Then the second day, I had a paper to write for another class, which took precedence over the reading portion of my commitment.

Then the weekend came, and once it came, I did nothing. Saturday, we enjoyed being home, and doing as little as possible.

Sunday was church, then a wonderful Tea with some friends.

Yesterday, the weather took over my thoughts quickly.

Today, I was hoping I would have a day off because of the weather, and didn’t.

Bottom line, I have already fallen way back on the commitment, and it is a short one. I pretty much feel like a big failure.

Why is it that when you make a resolution, or commitment, or something big, that it seems like then everything comes against you to make it impossible to stay focused on that?

There is probably a big spiritual lesson there, that I think I found accidentally earlier when I clicked a Bible Gateway link unintentionally:

For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.
~Ephesians 6:12-13

Dad talked about something like this on Sunday. He has been doing a series on the working of the Holy Spirit in our lives, and from the moment he started the series, the devil has attacked him and all of our family with one thing after another.

I had a good friend in high school who told me that spiritual warfare was what happened when a person was trying to decide whether to accept Jesus as their Savior, and nothing else. We argued about it (and a million other things) a lot.

Yes, there is some spiritual warfare happening then, but there are also constant battles happening in the spiritual realm all around us. Sometimes, we have to join in the battle. That is what this passage in Ephesians is referencing. The rest of the passage tells us how to fight back:

Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God; praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints— and for me, that utterance may be given to me, that I may open my mouth boldly to make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains; that in it I may speak boldly, as I ought to speak.
Ephesians 6:14-20

I know that writing poetry is not spiritual, but making a commitment to be disciplined is, and I think there is a little battle there. I’m not blaming the devil. I am at fault as well, for not just making myself take the time when I knew I should be doing that over playing Xbox games.

I am disappointed in myself, but I am standing strong. I may not be perfect, but I will continue to try and stay focused on my goal to become a better writer. I may not change the world with my writing, but I might help someone, and that is reason enough to keep standing!

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2 thoughts on “Disappointed in myself, yet Standing Firm

  1. Emily says:

    thanks for sharing your struggle. But, keep in mind that writing poetry can be a deeply spiritual experience – think of how the Psalms have affected lives, changed circumstances and cried out to a loving God in a way mere words (in paragraph form) never could. Praying for your discipline – and your creative streak!

  2. Ashley says:

    Girl, I know EXACTLY what you mean…about speaking out your decision to do something…and then everything coming against what you’ve decided to do. Argh!Well, I love you and stay focused…and I will try to do the same! Baby weight doesn’t come off by itself, I’m learning. :0)

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