The Journey to Re-Restart (Again and Again)

I found this in my drafts folder:

Can you dust off a website?

My blogging over the past few years has been sporadic at best. Honestly, I should probably just give it up. But I can’t. I love this blog. Still, I can’t seem to find a level of commitment that fits into my life.

There are other things in my life like this. I’m not writing regularly. I’m not reading as much as I should. There are a lot of things I could do differently, better. But I don’t. I’d like to use the excuse that I’m just so tired. Except that I’m really not. I’ve had lots of energy lately. I’ve felt really motivated to do some things I’ve needed to catch up on for a long time. I haven’t made reading and writing a priority in my life.

It’s funny, because about once a month or so, I start a new “organizational method” that I’m sure is going to revolutionize my life. I got a new planner in December, which I love and use, but it hasn’t forced me to make time for writing. I have a ton of new pens and notebooks, yet I often go days without writing a single letter. I research the habits of experts, the tools of the trade, and the methods of success.

I’d like to blame the TV, but I’m the one who chooses to watch it. I could turn it off. We don’t DVR anything. Everything we watch is on one of our streaming services, so it isn’t like I have to watch it to make room for next week’s episode.

And then here I am again, wondering if it’s worth my time to dust off this old blog and begin anew. My inspiration? It’s silly, really, but we got a new computer and I installed Scrivener. If you aren’t familiar with the software, let me tell you, it’s a writer’s dream. It allows you to write in small or large chunks, and it makes moving content around easier than any productivity suite ever could. It lets me write the way I think, in small chunks, or vignettes, if you will, and it keeps them organized in the order I want them to be kept. So, I’ve been writing again. Which means, to me, that I may start writing this blog again. It’s nice having a place to vent my frustrations with my writing process. So, that’s it. That’s the big news. I’m still a writer, believe it or not, and I’m going to keep being a writer. So, sit tight while we try this again!

Hunger

I’m hungry. And not for tacos.

It has been creeping up on since before Christmas, this hunger. I’m hungry for more of the Word, for more worship, for more praise, for more Jesus.

I know that my spirit is always hungering and thirsting for fellowship with my Savior, but I haven’t felt it this strong in a long time. It stops my days. It interrupts my nights. It is hovering around me like a cloud.

I’ve tried to do something about it. I’ve started listening to more Christian music. I’ve started a devotional on the YouVersion app on my phone. But I just realized today what’s still missing. I’m not praying. Not like I should. I mean, I’m praising, but I’m not spending any time in prayer.

My excuses are frail. “There are always a bunch of people around,” or “I’m waiting until I can work it into my daily routine.” But those are meaningless. The truth is, I’m not making time to pray. I’m having a hard time getting started. I’m finding it difficult to just speak the words I know I should. I know He won’t reject me. I know He’s always there, but I feel like I’ve been distant for too long. I feel unworthy of His attention. And I don’t want my prayers to be empty. I want to mean what I say. I want to speak from my heart to my Father and know that my words are true.

So, I hesitate and stumble over the act of prayer. And my hunger increases, because I know that I cannot be completely satisfied until I am truly in fellowship with Him.

I should go pray. You, dear reader, are a distraction from what I should actually be doing right now. You’ll forgive me if I don’t have a witty remark or thoughtful question to end this post?

NaNoWriMo

I did something stupid on Friday. I decided that I would try to do NaNoWriMo this year. Stupid, right? Yeah, it is. Stupid, because I have three jobs. Stupid, because I’m teaching 4 college classes, which means 4 classes worth of paper grading. Stupid, because I’m crazy busy and somehow I’ve decided that I’m going to try to also write a 50,000 word novel by the end of this month.

Yeah.

So far, I’ve written nothing. I’ve started gathering my thoughts, and going through old notes on this long forgotten story I once wanted write. But I have yet to put pen to paper and actually begin writing something new.

And, instead of writing my book, I’m sitting here writing a blog post.

Yeah. Definitely stupid.