This Costs Too Much

When I started college, I was 18. By the time I finish college, it will have taken me 15 years.

I graduated high school, and I had big dreams. I wanted to do a million things, and somehow change the world in the process. But dreams are just that, dreams. I didn’t do those million things, and I didn’t change the world. I started and stopped and started college more times than I care to count. To date, I have attended six different colleges, one I attended twice, which makes seven attempts to finish college. The last four years have been the most successful, and I have Dr. Hall and ORU to thank for that.

You see, when I started college, I didn’t do so well. I hated dorm life. I hated being away from my parents. I was scared and lonely, and I just wanted to go home. So, I just didn’t care about college my first semester. In fact, I didn’t even go to half of my finals. Needless to say, I made a bad start. I took a few classes here and there, but I never got truly motivated until I was older. However, by then, my GPA was too low for most colleges to consider me. I got a job at ORU, and thank the Lord for that. As an employee, ORU allowed me to attend school basically for free. They also allowed me to attend as a non-degree seeking student, and I was able to take classes that would help bring up my GPA, so that when I applied for admission I would be accepted. It worked out amazingly well. At ORU, I was able to take English classes from the greatest professor of all time, and my excitement for college was renewed. I attended classes there for a couple of years, and it was enough to ensure that when I moved to Missouri, I would continue my education.

I started college in Missouri in 2006. I’ve had a few speed bumps, but mostly I’ve done pretty well, at least in my major classes. (Spanish and I are still at war.) Yet it doesn’t make any difference, it seems. I’ve just learned that I will not be able to take the independent study in Old English that I was so excited about because I am still paying for the mistakes in my past that caused my GPA to be so low. I had a feeling that it would be a problem, but my professor kept telling me that everything was fine when I checked in to see if the class was still on the schedule.

I’ll admit that I’m pretty upset. I’m worried that this will affect my ability to attend Graduate school. I’m angry at myself for not being more diligent when I was younger. I’m disappointed in myself, because I know that I am not stupid and I could have been a better student. I’m hurting, because even though I know that this is absolutely and completely my fault, it still hurts to be rejected.

I hesitated about sharing this on such a public forum as the internet, but I don’t get that many readers anyway. Most of my visitors are friends and family, who I can trust with the truth. So, there it is, my friends, my family, in pink and green.

In the midst of all of this, I’m listening to Christmas music, and I just had to stop and remind myself that no matter what the world sees when they look at me, I know that when God looks at me, He isn’t thinking about my past mistakes or my bad grades. Thank goodness. I make a lot of mistakes. I’m so far from perfect that I’d have to pay several annual fees just to be a cardholder at perfect’s town library. Yet, none of that matters to God. When I feel like a failure, as I did today, God sees me as a winner, and that is good enough for me. So, maybe I won’t finish college in December of 2009. Maybe I won’t get into the Graduate program that I really want. There is something better: I know who holds my future, and it is better than I could ever dream!

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One thought on “This Costs Too Much

  1. Jana Swartwood says:

    I’m sorry I’m so behind on reading this, but what the heck??? You are smart, and a good student, and I have seen some of your work and know that it rivals probably a lot of other students. Anyone who doesn’t see that is stupid. That being said (and I think it needed to be said), I”m so sorry you aren’t doing Old English. That’s so disheartening, especially after you thought you’d be able to. As far as grad school, you never know. Test scores, recommendations, and writing samples can still go a long way. And as you acknowledged below, God has your place set for you already. I truly believe that you’ll find the right graduate program and they will be lucky to have you.

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